YES, ACTUALLY, THE ANNOYING PERSON DESERVES YOUR RESPECT
Feb 23, 2026

I've had a change of heart.
About a month ago, at my mental health group home job, we got a new resident. They're an autistic, male-presenting but genderqueer 32yo with bipolar and issues with pathological lying and temper. History of violence, including what would them up in jail: arson. At first I was on the same page as all my coworkers: ambivalent. Annoyed at their entitelement. Concerned they may not last long here and wind up back in jail or the psych hospital. But over this last month I have engaged with xem and side-eyed my fellow employees more and more. This job never gave us any deescalation training, and it shows. Some of my coworkers unintentionally make things worse. One coworker intentionally makes things worse, using the client's legal name when they're already upset, enforcing rules she made up. Of course she doesn't pull that shit around me. Nobody pulls shit around me, not coworkers or clients. I don't know if it's behavior or aura but I just don't have these problems other employees complain about. Maybe it's because I have fucking mental health and de-escalation training.
But back on this one client. I'm realizing the antagonism is abelism. "Xe's too loud," "they say weird uncomfortable things that I don't correct them on or tell them they can't say, so they have no chance to learn." It's also transphobia. I'm the only one who uses any pronouns other than he/him. I'm the only one who fucking asked them about their pronouns. Come on man, we're in Colorado FFS. I thought I'd stop being the annoyingly woke coworker! I thought my crown would be taken from me! And while they do use any pronouns, so I guess they're not wrong, xe still told me he/him were the least preferred and they/them and xe/xem were most preferred. And I'm not even super versed with neopronouns! But I try, damn!
When I worked in the queer community in Dallas, we had a lot of autistic individuals, many who were gender non-conforming or trans, and many who had behavioral concerns. I am to some extent neurodivergent but don't think I'm autistic (some in my life believe otherwise based on what I'm about to tell you), however I have a great deal of empathy due to how I was as a child and how I did learn to engage socially. As a child I was very... Vulcan-esc? I took people at their word, very face-value. I was so mad and upset when things didn't make logical sense that I would cry. I wanted to be social so bad but it felt like... dyslexia but for socialization. I would work through a few words before jumbling the whole thing up and frustrate myself. So I began cataloguing a "rulebook" in my head. It was like a game; each social rule and faux paux I identified it went in this big mental binder. Maps, flow charts, you name it. So working with people with autism, I return to my childhood self. I close the book. Or maybe, I open it wider, and show the pages to someone else. "Hey you actually don't want to do that in a group setting. People find it rude, I know it doesn't make sense, but it'll hurt less feelings." And you know what? It works. A lot of the time, at least, it works. Sometimes I can even just say "don't do that" and the message is clear. I notice a lot of people can't do that. It's against the rules, you know? You can't be that blunt and direct about a social fuck-up, you have to make microexpressions and socially ostracize the person, heaven forbid you tell them what they did wrong. Especially with the infantilization of disability. They can't handle the truth, but who cares if they can handle social rejection!