Phew, I'd been wanting to update here all throughout March but there was simply too much going on at all times. Finally work just settled down, after a dead sprint through several events, fundraisers, etc. I guess now the focus is set to be graduation... yikes. I applied to a few places, though I got my applications done late (combo of work and sheer anxiety) and because of the huge number of applicant this year I haven't gotten in anywhere. I have one last place that I did a preliminary interview with, but honestly...
I have conflicted feelings surrounding what I should or shouldn't do in the eyes of others, but I've realized I want to stick to the area I'm currently in for now. And yes, it is, largely in part, because of someone. I can hear my dad lecture me in my head, "don't limit your options for someone else, you're not thinking rationally..." but in 2020 when I went to college and I had no friends, no way to meet people, I was far from family and any previous support system, I was miserable. For the first several months, I cried every day. I felt empty. It was so hard to be in a new place and know nobody. And though I know even if I leave, the people around me will still talk to me and love me, I just do not want to be trapped in a new place, hundreds of miles away, alone again. Especially without my partner. We've been together 4 months this coming Tuesday, which feels like a short period of time, but something about queerness just seems to bend time. There was no awkward small-talk phase, we tried to scare each other away right off the bat, because if we couldn't handle each other authentically, we didn't want to waste our time. And so now, like... I don't know, it's not like anything I've ever felt, or imagined I would feel. I don't know, it all feels silly to say out loud... I feel naive, but I know that I'm not a naive person. I never believed people who said they knew very early on in a relationship that they were going to marry that person, but once I get over all my fears and hangups, I know I'm going to marry this guy. People have gotten married with less. Less commitment, intimacy, connection. It's not that I even doubt what I'm saying, I just feel like the truth of what I'm saying sounds corny as fuck. But... if I left for another state in the Fall, it'd be two years of very infrequently seeing him (unless Trump gets re-elected, I suppose... then literally everyone I know is leaving Texas, if not the country). And though that two years is survivable... it simply does not feel liveable. One year? After a longer period? That could be liveable. But right now, every bone in my body is simply telling me no. Not for fear of consequences, but simply because this, with every fiber of my being, is what I want. Maybe if my grad school applications went a little better things would be different, but with barely anything else on the table, a gap year working at a therapy clinic near him is what I want; not just in my heart but in my bones, my blood, my brain. I physically feel it, that this is want I'm going to do.
I hope I don't sound just completely delusional.
Anyways, other than... that... I'm going to try to learn how to crochet again. I want to make those little granny squares, it seems pretty easy and then you can put them all together and make a blanket. This has been a plan in the works for a while now but... free time keeps evading me. I also have an Artists Alley coming up, and some possible performances for bass (and one for vocals, hoping to do The Distance by CAKE for a 90s Night on campus. Figured it's borderline slam poetry, I don't have to be too scared about vocal quality). Speaking of which, I need to go get my bass repaired, the nut broke somehow. I'm hoping they don't have to replace my strings to fix it, but that might be the case. Worked up a nice tone on my bass strings, they're worn in; something better for bass than your standard guitar.
I also got a scuffed mini camera from Five Below, so I guess to wrap up I'll show some pictures off that.

Thanks for tuning in,
chase.