Happy New Year!

Okay, this is my second attempt at writing this blog post, the first was literally 10 days ago. I reworked my blog page to maybe give me marginally less work. I'm working as a mental health clinician for kids and teens with mental illnesses now, the actual "working with clients" part is satisfying but non-profit organization structure and demands continue to drive me insane.

Me and my boyfriend celebrated our 1 year anniversary together in December, very exciting :) we've started going to a goth club in town (my bf is goth) and I actually love the scene there! people are nice and the music is good.

Gonna keep this one short and sweet so that there's no risk of not posting it this time. I've been updating the site a little bit this weekend, my boyfriend is starting to make one (he needs a place for his art portfolio and his trust in Wix has been broken because of all the AI shit.)

Here's hoping it's not as long before I'm back with another update!

adios,
chase.

I'm sure many have been in this situation, of fully spreading your wings and "growing up," living on your own, having a life of your own, and then you have to spend a prolonged period at your childhood home.
And I'm sure there's differing feelings one might feel towards this, but for me, it's wanting to bang your goddamned head into the wall until your skull goes soft.

I don't lack a plan, I don't feel the "inadequacy" of not having a plan, I just want the plan to happen now, because being stuck here is like being in purgatory. I grew up in a very suburban, Texas city outside of Austin and it's strange, because growing up, I didn't hate it. And when I moved to a suburb just north of Dallas for college, I didn't think they were all that different. But after being there a while, and getting this easy access to good places to eat, fun places to go, my friends, my stuff, my own fucking life, and then having to go back to this town with very little people my age, very little to do without driving an hour into Austin, having no friends still here, having most of my stuff still in boxes, waiting... I'm almost being driven insane. And it doesn't help that the same, nostalgic warp has happened to my dad, the one family member I have here. My dad raised me. We have always gotten along, people have always said I'm so much like him... but I've grown into my own person being gone, too. A, I'll say it, better and healthier person. I've shed a lot of the baggage my dad had that I inherited, and now it feels like he's dead set on putting it back. Never enough, unless it's my weight, than it's more than enough. He doesn't do it consciously, I know he wants to make sure I'm "prepared," and that he fears me becoming "like him," AKA, fat. He's given up on himself more and more in recent years and it feels like the more he gives up on himself, the more he puts pressure on me to always succeed, always be on top of everything. But it's like he's changed and stayed the same, all at once.
Just like this fucking town.
Just shrink me down to the size you need me, I'm sure it'll work wonders.
I am not You. I'm not who You see in Me.

Right now I'm only waiting for an official offer letter from a job I applied for. Once I get that, I can apply for an apartment (though I fear that it's already been too long to get the units I was looking at for the prices I wanted...) and I can finally have my own space again, and will start work and have a routine and a life again. But it's taking forever. I'm praying I hear from them this week. I just want to know. I want to be able to do anything, not just sit here, helpless. I've been eager to take my mind off of it but the modded mc server I've been playing with my bf and friends is down and the guy running it isn't online, and left to my own devices I just start to spiral into anxiety... and I missed writing here, it is cathartic. I've just been trying so hard. And it feels so isolating. Even when occasionally I'm told it's been hard for me, that I have done a good job, I struggle to feel like I'm not alone. I feel somehow less loved when I am anxious, despsite the fact nothing has changed. I guess it is just one set of anxieties setting off the rest. I just want it to be over; to feel more warmth and fondness towards my dad again, to be somewhere I want to be, with my people. To have things I'm working on, working towards. It feels like starving. And again, all my stuff is still in boxes anticipating one more move, so my hobbies, my beads, my bass, my jewlerymaking, it's not fully accesible. It feels worthless to do a new thing, set a new schedule, when it could be out the window as soon as tomorrow. I'm helpless.

Phew, I'd been wanting to update here all throughout March but there was simply too much going on at all times. Finally work just settled down, after a dead sprint through several events, fundraisers, etc. I guess now the focus is set to be graduation... yikes. I applied to a few places, though I got my applications done late (combo of work and sheer anxiety) and because of the huge number of applicant this year I haven't gotten in anywhere. I have one last place that I did a preliminary interview with, but honestly...
I have conflicted feelings surrounding what I should or shouldn't do in the eyes of others, but I've realized I want to stick to the area I'm currently in for now. And yes, it is, largely in part, because of someone. I can hear my dad lecture me in my head, "don't limit your options for someone else, you're not thinking rationally..." but in 2020 when I went to college and I had no friends, no way to meet people, I was far from family and any previous support system, I was miserable. For the first several months, I cried every day. I felt empty. It was so hard to be in a new place and know nobody. And though I know even if I leave, the people around me will still talk to me and love me, I just do not want to be trapped in a new place, hundreds of miles away, alone again. Especially without my partner. We've been together 4 months this coming Tuesday, which feels like a short period of time, but something about queerness just seems to bend time. There was no awkward small-talk phase, we tried to scare each other away right off the bat, because if we couldn't handle each other authentically, we didn't want to waste our time. And so now, like... I don't know, it's not like anything I've ever felt, or imagined I would feel. I don't know, it all feels silly to say out loud... I feel naive, but I know that I'm not a naive person. I never believed people who said they knew very early on in a relationship that they were going to marry that person, but once I get over all my fears and hangups, I know I'm going to marry this guy. People have gotten married with less. Less commitment, intimacy, connection. It's not that I even doubt what I'm saying, I just feel like the truth of what I'm saying sounds corny as fuck. But... if I left for another state in the Fall, it'd be two years of very infrequently seeing him (unless Trump gets re-elected, I suppose... then literally everyone I know is leaving Texas, if not the country). And though that two years is survivable... it simply does not feel liveable. One year? After a longer period? That could be liveable. But right now, every bone in my body is simply telling me no. Not for fear of consequences, but simply because this, with every fiber of my being, is what I want. Maybe if my grad school applications went a little better things would be different, but with barely anything else on the table, a gap year working at a therapy clinic near him is what I want; not just in my heart but in my bones, my blood, my brain. I physically feel it, that this is want I'm going to do.
I hope I don't sound just completely delusional.
Anyways, other than... that... I'm going to try to learn how to crochet again. I want to make those little granny squares, it seems pretty easy and then you can put them all together and make a blanket. This has been a plan in the works for a while now but... free time keeps evading me. I also have an Artists Alley coming up, and some possible performances for bass (and one for vocals, hoping to do The Distance by CAKE for a 90s Night on campus. Figured it's borderline slam poetry, I don't have to be too scared about vocal quality). Speaking of which, I need to go get my bass repaired, the nut broke somehow. I'm hoping they don't have to replace my strings to fix it, but that might be the case. Worked up a nice tone on my bass strings, they're worn in; something better for bass than your standard guitar.
I also got a scuffed mini camera from Five Below, so I guess to wrap up I'll show some pictures off that.

Thanks for tuning in,
chase.

Apparently they found a dead body in a parking lot across from my apartment building. Don't worry, that's not what this blog is going to be about, I was just checking for updates right before writing this LOL. I just got to my class after lunch with my boss (or, technically my bosses boss), and that went relatively well. She's a bit of a talker, but at least she wasn't saying anything crazy, and I got to eat during it. I have a decent amount of work I need to do after this class but I am very tired... I went to sleep at 1am, but then woke up and couldn't go back to sleep at 6am.

Recently me and my boyfriend have been sharing about original characters and stories we've done in the past, and he's gotten me looking back at my old Toyhouse account and I feel like there's so much I want to redo or redesign now, lol. Compared to what my boyfriend is doing, it's very minimal (his stuff is so good and so creative, it's crazy to me that someone I know and am this close to can be so creative, it feels like something limited to, like, established creatives that Comic-Cons beg for like Neil Gaimann), but lord knows if I'll ever get the time, lol. I just barely started drawing a bit again (again because of my boyfriend, he made a MLP Infection AU oc and so I made one as well and I've been slowly whittling away at a drawing of them together) and it's like the last thing on my list of responsibilities, unfortunately, even of my hobbies (I have a performance on Thursday with a group for a campus Oldies Night, playing bass for Yesterday by the Beatles).
I think my to-do list drawing-wise, in order, probably is...

Did the thing everybody from my doctor to my boyfriend to my dad had been saying I should do and went to a cardiologist for some cardiac issues that had started occuring/getting worse, but according to the cardiologist, it was simply a matter of... diet and exercise. Ignoring the fact my primary care doctor had done multiple tests and considered that and came to the conclusion that it was too concerning and I was too healthy for my cardiac health and tachycardia to be as bad as it is. So I was sent to this giant, well-regarded cardiovascular clinic that was incredibly expensive (I haven't met my deductible yet) and they didn't even have me see a doctor. I saw a registered nurse who believed that I was fine, I just needed to "use my heart more," because she was a runner, and her resting heart rate was 40 bpm. I tried telling her I do not live a wholly sedentary lifestyle, in fact today for my job I lifted and moved large boxes of produce that weighed 40-60lbs and got 5,000 steps in the span of 3.5 hours. And regardless of athletics my pulse varying from 100-180bpm (typically hovering around 110 resting, 130-170 walking, 170-185 with moderate exercise) every day is not great. In addition, the last time I did vigorous exercise, I had what I thought at the time was an asthma attack, but was actually my heart unable to keep up and oxegenate my brain, something that could point to acute heart failure... She sought to dismiss this all, saying that I am pre-diabetic (which I am not) and should do some cardio (I walk at least a mile most days). The reason she assumed I was pre-diabetic, by the way, was because she interpreted my last random blood glucose as a fasting glucose, which it wasn't. I pressed her on this so she ordered an A1C glucose test, and when the results came back, my glucose is entirely normal. Go figure. The last thing she's even willing to do for me is a stress test, which I think will show that there is something strange going on, but of course that's in a month, and my doctor has labelled me an "ER risk" until this is understood and helped. I got a DM from someone in response to my frustrations saying it sounded like I possibly have POTS. I'm not too sure, but a lot of that does connect. Especially because two risk factors for it are two diseases that run in my family (lupus and ehlers-danlos syndrome). I might do the at-home test for it.

What continues to irk me, however, is that this does not feel unusual for my (and multiple people I know with chronic illnesses) experiences with healthcare specialists. It's always too expensive, I always leave with no definitive answer, and I feel talked down to. Why does that seem to be the case more often than not?

But, I did call my regular doctor's office and ask them to get my concerned doctor to review the current status of things, because I think she will also be displeased with this outcome. For now, I'm so exhausted both emotionally and physically, so I will catch y'all later.

—chasey

Just got to my first class of the day from work. Was up until 1:30-2 a.m. and was up bright and early at 7:30 a.m. for work! I considered calling out but I was awake enough to be brainstorming a good excuse, so I was awake enough to get my ass up (also, I couldn't come up with a good excuse).
I typically don't go too in-depth on my interpersonal life out of respect for those around me, but I am thinking about my boyfriend this morning. Just out of love. I'm attempting to find a way to word my thoughts that isn't a convoluted metaphor or a song lyric because that's where my mind usually goes. I'm trying to express, both here and to him, I suppose, that I would intricately craft rituals of my love forever for him. I'd do quite a lot to take his fear and pain away, though I know that's not always possible.

Other than that, however, my mind is otherwise chugging along it's typical route, I was somewhat miserable at work last week, but this week I don't mind as much. Just had to come to terms with some of the great-hated bureaucracy that typically haunts the non-profit and education sectors (I work at a university food bank, so I get the best and worst of both worlds.)—
I'm... sorry. A guy in my class wearing a hoodie made to look like toothless the dragon just brought up ted kaczynski's manifesto. Why would you... don't do that.
Also this professor is just slowly unraveling into neurosis. She stated that she is going to call students "humans" because pronouns are too hard (ignoring the word... people? I guess?) and is going on about how you should email your TA if you're bored because she is here to have REAL discussions (girl this is a blow-off survey course that every arts major is forced to take, and there is no substantial discussion happening here). This wasn't what this blog was supposed to be about!
The title of the blog is a lyric from the song Mexico by CAKE. It's the song pick of the week, feel free to take a listen! I'm going to wait for whatever-the-hell is happening here to be over and go to my next class, which is a more substantial discussion class. This is taking forever though...
best wishes,
chasey.

How come the most tech illiterate people are aways the ones attempting to teach you about tech?

I'm in the lecture for this course called "Intro to TechnoCulture," I needed a credit for an oddball core cirriculum category that included things like... Chinese I, Chemistry, and Dance. It just has to satisfy "critical thinking" skills while also being outside of your major. So I took this because friends of mine who are art/technology majors (game design, 3d modeling, etc.) said it was easy. I'm in my last semester, I want easy. But easy doesn't mean it has to be inept... boring, maybe, but this is just ironic. The professor for the class discussing the intersection of technology and culture didn't know how to use the projector in this lecture hall, and instead prefers writing on the whiteboard. Which isn't a negative per se; however, this is a lecture hall of like 200 people. The projector would be a lot easier for everyone's eyes. Also, even before the class, the professor attempted to send out a survey, but twice over she sent an editable link, leading to enough issues that she just... gave up on attempting to use it. Ironically enough, it had a lot of questions about university implementation of technology. It's... not great!

I'm a little sick today, too, have been the last couple days. Something like a cold. My boyfriend feels he's to blame but honestly it could have been anything and anyone... Thursday I was at work with my boss and we were doing a lot of physical labor, having to break down pallets of food we got in, then Friday she was out sick and I had to go out in freezing temperatures to pick up donations; was out in the cold for around 45 minutes total. Even with gloves my hands were frozen. Then I had dinner with my boyfriend and his roommate, the roommate also was early into getting sick, whereas my boyfriend was already feeling better from mild sinus symptoms. It was also the first week of classes so I'm sure bugs are just everywhere. I am tired, though, which isn't helping with this pretty bland class. I've got this class, then a probably more evolved version of it with a class titled "philosophy of technology," which I'll get out of around 3:45. I miscalculated yesterday, I thought I got out of class at 2:15 and would have more time after class to meal prep, which I've been meaning to do... I should still have some time to do that, though.

I don't know if it's the fatigue or if this is just annoying but a guy sat down next to me and has been rummaging through his bag and moving around a lot and making other noises and it's driving me nuts. It's probably the fatigue. I'm falling asleep while sitting up over here. I hope my second class is more engaging. Maybe it won't be though, this first class we were supposed to read some Plato and Aristotle. I decided to not do that. Oh my god I need a nap...

chasey.

Hey everyone! It's been a couple months! Like I predicted in my last blogpost, finals season got me incredibly busy, and only in part because of the actual tests! Work ramped up pretty heavily, I had to continue to get grad school applications worked on, I had a big essay due along with my final tests, and literally the week after my last update I started dating M., who's now my boyfriend! So lots going on! The last couple weeks, I've been doing what I saw hilarously called the "child of divorce world tour" on TikTok, where because your parents are divorced, you have to go to a bunch of different places for the holidays. And not to mention, this is my first winter break with Cowboy, so I've been having to check in on him, so I can't be gone as long as I used to go for! But honestly that's not too big of a deal, it's a good excuse for a break.

This Monday, I'll do one more drive to pick up M. from his folks place, then back to campus, and we'll still have a week before classes start. He originally wasn't going to come back until classes started, just because that was the schedule of when he could get a ride, but I wanted to be able to have some time without fretting about classes/work to nurture the relationship- it's risky to be dating someone for just around a month, then not see them for weeks. It's like, while I know I don't have to like, "fix" or "re-establish" anything, it feels like it'll be nice to have the time. There's a drive-in movie place between where his folks live and campus, I'm going to attempt to time the drive so that we can see a movie on the way back :)

Also, kind of obviously, I updated the layout/look of the site! Figured the new year was a good time for a makeover, make it more my own. We also have a chat now, in place of a guestbook! I think it's a good upgrade. Can say more than just that you were here.

Now that I accomplished this, I'm going to go back to reading I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jeanette McCurdy. One of my resolutions for the year is to read more, and I'm really impressed with this one so far. Not only is there just the shock factor of Jeanette McCurdy's abusive upbringing, but she's an incredibly talented writer. Very well written.

That's all I've got for now, but I'm glad to be updating again! Seeya!

-chasey

Hi! Long time no see. Right before Thanksgiving, most of my time was occupied by work and practicing for my university's emo nite, where I played Pete Wentz for the night (played bass for the Fall Out Boy cover). It went AMAZING! Had such a good time and did a good job. Ended up just doing Thanksgiving with my dad, he didn't want to go down and do the entire extended family Thanksgiving in his hometown (which is fine with me because it's like a 5 hour drive from where I am) cause he has to fly out for a work thing Monday morning. But we made some stuff anyway, and I got to leave with all the leftovers! So W for me. Friday I made some edits to the site, but didn't have time to complete a blog about it, lol. I'm trying to think of other stuff I can do with my little site here, keep things fresh. But I prolly shouldn't commit to anything crazy, it's about to be finals season and I'll absolutely have my work cut out for me.
Also, SpaceHey got an app! That's pretty cool. It'll be even cooler when it has more functionality, but it's cool that it's even up at all. That's another thing I've neglected updating as of late, but I've just been so busy.
Hopefully I'll talk to you all soon!
-chasey.

Hey y'all! Has taken me a minute to be able to update again, been busy, but I finally got a new laptop! My old one was living on borrowed time. It had already needed it's battery replaced due to swelling, which hurt the hard drive, and the operating system had failed once, causing it to have to be entirely reset. And as of a couple weeks ago, the battery started swelling again. If someone's selling a 13" HP Spectre near you, don't fall for it. In the process of trying to figure out what the fuck was going on (it wasn't an old laptop! it was from 2019!) I found many people struggling with the same thing with the same laptop, a load of them seem to be faulty. But got the new one all set up now, and it's great! A tad bulkier than my old one but I'll actually be able to play games on this one, if I ever get time, that is.
I had a Halloween get-together with my friends yesterday and I think it went well! I enjoyed it and all the food turned out good. Speaking of, I'm so hungry rn... hopefully I'll update again soon!

I always end up being worried about the wrong person.

Had an argument with a friend last night. Not my best friend, but the only other person I even half-trust. They think we're best friends but they've shown me repeatedly that my emotions are not welcome. That no matter how I package them, they will become frustrated, because no matter how many times I say that they're not expected to fix the issue, I just wanted them to listen, they still always take it upon themselves to "fix" the issue. It never helps. I've told them they don't need to do that. It makes me nauseous because it reminds me of arguing with my mom. My emotionally abusive, untreated BPD, mom. I get four words into a sentence, they assume what I'm going to say, interrupt me, and scold me like a child. Then once they've got me to where I've completely shut down, they try to soothe me for their own gain, pat my back, hug me, ask if I want to come over for tea. It's insulting. I barely fight back. I just said I wanted to be alone with my cat. I got back to my apartment and cried there. My roommate/best friend heard and comforted me in a way that felt actually real.
A lot of the argument was over the State Fair. My best friend couldn't go, and this other friend kept saying "Well, it's not really my thing, and you know I'm worried about money, but yeah I'm still down to go." Every. Single. Time. it got brought up, it was "Well I would never go otherwise, but sure." They've said over and over it's not their scene. So in the end when my best friend couldn't go, without my anchor, I felt that I shouldn't make my other friend go along. We'll do other stuff together where I won't have to fear about a bad attitude spoiling it. They got mad because they know it's important to me, it's my last year living in Texas for a while and I'd never been, I've always wanted to. Why mad? Because I... backed off? Sure, they never said no, they made that incredibly clear, but... they didn't want to go. Like, they just didn't.
Now I'm in my philosophy of poetry class and yet again I just feel slightly off-step with everyone else. When I came in, some classmates were talking lovingly about how the professor goes so in depth on things like punctuation, why it's important a comma was there. I feel like during a lot of that, we're losing the forest for the trees. They talked about the artistic "madness" of Paul Celan. To me he's just a highly intelligent victim of the holocaust and survivior's guilt. Is that just another way of saying "madness?" maybe, but I don't know. To me, madness implies a playfulness with reality. I think Celan is very grounded in reality.

Man, now I'm just getting tired. I don't want to do today.

my hands hurt.

I feel restless in everything I'm doing lately. Restless but exhausted. The dry, hard skin at the corners of my fingernails bothers me to no end. I've got multiple inflammed scratches or puncture injuries on my hands, from my cat, from my job, from sewing patches on my denim jacket. From life.
I took Monday off work this week thinking it would leave me more rested. I was wrong. I still feel like I'm wound tight, tight tight tight.
I also can't keep but wondering when I'll be "fixed," y'know? I started going to this therapist, a neurobiological feedback guy. He said he should have my system regulated in 6 weeks.
It's been 8 weeks. And I don't even think he was trying to pull one over on me, I think the issues I have are long-standing, deep-seated, and hard to pull out of being automatic. My best friend recently brought up that he was frustrated that I didn't want to do something but I refused to say "no." I tried telling him that's actually the most assertive I'd been trying to say "no" in years, I just stopped short of... saying it. His frustration turned to concern.
He hasn't talked to me today (unrelated)- I'm trying to self-soothe that the silence does not mean he is mad at me for something he refuses to disclose. That's how a lot of my prior friendships, family relationships, romantic relationships... have gone. I don't quite know how to manage it, either. It feels like I would become exhausting if I was constantly asking "are you mad at me? are you mad at me? are you mad at me?" but the skill to calm myself down is only half-established. I can get the car running but there's still that offputting noise...
At this point I'd truly take a magic potion that got... this... done and over with. Haven't I dealt with it long enough? The over-thinking? The meticulous horror of upkeeping relationships? Imagining it is all on me? I'm tired of it but it feels like it's locked into place. I'm pulling at the edges, bending and maybe even taking off pieces, but the majority of it isn't going anywhere. And it's exhausting feeling like no one cares, or, less like cares and more like... looking out for me. People might care, but my brain tells me it's of little gravity to them, it's like a sad movie...

CONTENT WARNING: Cannibalism, murder, death, sexual violence, sexual deviancy.

"You boys remind me of that German cannibal who advertised for a friend and then ate him and his penis before he died. Tragedy being the penis was overcooked. Go to all that trouble to eat a friend and you overcook his penis! They ate it anyway. They had to. They committed. But they didn't enjoy it."
-Mason Verger, Hannibal (2013-2015)

I was watching a video on disturbing lost media, and the case of Armin Meiwes and Bernd-Jurgen Armando Brandes came up, which I decided to briefly look into. I was more curious on the legal aspect, Brandes entirely consented to having himself killed and his body eaten, not a single action committed by Meiwes was without consent. He, however, is living out the rest of his life imprisoned in Wustefeld, Germany: murder is still murder, even if consensual. However, my curiosity was piqued by the massive "Cultural Impact" section on the Wikipedia page of Armin Meiwes; a section double the size of the rest of the page. Four films about or inspired by the case, at least ten songs that referance or are even wholly about the two men, at least eleven TV referances, two plays, and even a musical. And this is just those listed on the Wikipedia, I think there are likely more.
I mean, how many of you have heard referance along the lines of "cannibal who ate man's penis?" That's Armin Meiwes, whether you knew it or not. Strangely enough, I have been to Rotenberg ob der Tauber, the city in which this event took place. I didn't know it at the time, and I do not know if I ever crossed paths with Meiwes's home in the city, a home which, in April of this year, was destroyed in a fire. The cause of the fire has not been determined, however I'm sure local police are not very interested in whether an arsonist or a reasonable god was involved.

All that aside, I am... well, fascinated with the fascination with this case. It seems to have very much captured the minds of the public internationally; one of the aforementioned plays originated in Denmark. That's a German crime, with a cultural impact ranging throughout Europe and North America. I would go so far as to say, behind Jeffrey Dahmer, this may be one of the most referanced cannibal cases in the United States. And these two cases themselves beg the question- is cannibalism a more prevalent form of taboo sexual gratification for those with queer identities? Or does the intersection of cannibalism and queerness capture attention moreso than the heterosexual cannibal? It's an interesting question I have no reason to investigate further; I've got too many projects on my plate. But I think it's an interesting intersection, queerness and cannibalism. I do think that when one has a deviant sexual identity, they are probably more likely to engage in other sexually deviant behavior- not just that which is illegal, but even just engaging in fetish communities. Deviancy is a spectrum which includes crime, but not all deviancy is criminal and not all which is illegal is deviant!

I don't know, I don't have much of a point with this, it just surprised me the massive impact this case has had, the recent update with the fire, and the realization of a personal connection with the case. I think, maybe, with my fears of never being loved unconditionally, that in another life I could have been a cannibal. Armin Meiwes said that starting at age 12 he had fantasies of killing and eating his friends, so that they could never leave him.

"If you love me, Henry, you don't love me in a way I understand."
-Richard Siken, Crush (2005)

I went to a house show last night cause the guy in my class I've been talking to was playing with his band, and while it was fun, he did offer me cocaine so... that somewhat turned me off from hanging out with him more. Like, I'm trying to be more adventerous in life, but not that adventerous. Enjoyed the other bands though, was all local guys and they were all pretty good! I wish I could go to more house/punk shows but the major "scene" for it is in a town like 40 minutes away. Short update, I posted a bulletin about it on SpaceHey as well, but just. Welp.

I'm tabling and selling my jewlery/bead creatures at a campus event on Tuesday, which I'm excited for. I know some people think selling anything kandi-adjacent is heretical but people had been asking me to and I'm not charging a fortune for them, just supply and time costs. Also, rave isn't a culture you can "appropriate." Just saying that because I have heard that argument and it's frankly hilarous. If that's the case, ravers approprated from horse girl culture.

Have a lazy Sunday, I know I am!

Just got back from work, it was a boring day but honestly it was a boring day alone which I needed. My coworkers all have their own unique fun hang-ups that are like nails on the chalkboard of my progress-oriented brain. Just a lack of thinking/planning in advance; my roommate described it as people who couldn't score over 400 in Tetris, which is surprisingly accurate. Same skills required. But thankfully I don't work on the weekends, the glory of a government job, so it's joever.

I'm going to a house show tomorrow because the band of the guy I've been chatting with in class is playing, along with some other bands. I've never been to a house show, it's exciting but also I feel like I'll seem out of place. But at least I'll know one person there, and hopefully everyone is nice. I've already listened to the guy I knows band, but decided on my drive into work today I'd check out the other one that was actually on Spotify, The Apes in June, and the one single they have out is actually really good! It's called Rub Salt in The Wounds. It's not super professional quality obviously but a "diamond in the rough," as they say.

I don't know what I'm gonna get up to tonight. Just chill, probably. I need to clean at some point this weekend but I don't think I can muster up the courage to do so until I actually get a moment to unwind.

I'm not typically a Jungian in the sense that humans have some kind of ancestral memory but sometimes I do get a deep-rooted hate and refusal to value the work of nazis. I had family who were victims of the holocaust, the primary one I know being my great-great uncle Stanislaw. His sister, my mom's grandmother, was one of the few family members my mother loved and who loved her- my birth-middle-name was her name for that reason. So that side of my mother's family is really the only ones I feel any connection towards, ancestral or otherwise. So when Heidegger, the German philosopher, is being studied in my philosophy of poetry class... I'm not trusting anything he says as far as I can throw it. My professor isn't helping, either- I asked if he thought Heidegger's Nazi sympathies may have had an impact on his philosophy on ethics, and he said, in summary (my professor is quite long-winded) "No, he just didn't live up to his own philosophy." That doesn't necessarily satiate my skepticism. Especially when Heidegger emphasizes that "ethics" is just a nominal structure used to control human beings. Like wow, I wonder why in the 1950s, when you've been forced to confront your own ethical failings, you'd now feel like abstracting ethics. I don't know if I buy it.

And I do think some of that is normal. Like, I think being skeptical of everything created by nazis is likely the best way to exist. Doesn't mean you can't look at it, you just should expect that such a vile ideology seeps into their creations- art, poetry, philosophy. I do not believe any of it is pure, coming from a nazi. Did you know that after the war, allied planes flew over German cities, sending down fliers with victims of the holocaust, that said "this is your guilt/shame," and Heidegger said that that was worse than what the nazis did?! what?! When Heidegger talks about acceptance of the unknown, acceptance of the ambiguous, he does not mean the immigrant, the foreigner. He means the violent, the justifiably outcast. When he says that ethics are just norms that confine human beings, he means the norms of justice, respect for persons, the norms of the Weimar republic, not the norms of fear, hate. It's like populism, yes there are elite individuals who have a large hand in how our country functions, but depending on who you ask it's either "those who run corporations" (correct) or "the jews" (incorrect).

But I don't know, I just feel an extra refusal to entertain Heidegger, or anything nazi-adjacent. Last year a christofacist group came on campus and distributed materiels with a symbol that was, for all intents and purposes, the iron cross. I kept being told "technically" it was an edited version that isn't "exactly" the iron cross, but why the fuck would I care?! I pushed and pushed and pushed to get the Dean of Students to do something, anything, and I still resent her for not doing so. I just feel a rage as if I have some personal experience, but... I don't, really? It's this... strong sense of justice and this almost, ancestoral rage.

It's weird, I keep thinking I like philosophy, history. I just don't like how anyone's doing it

I'm in my queer history in the south class and I'm feeling a lot less... I guess... sappy and poetic about transgenderism than the book we're reading. Like there's this idea that "trans" is a "method" and I don't know, I'm just like, "what?" and it's like, "being trans is a rainbow of geneologies!" and honestly? I'm like... no it's not. Like I respect those that came before me and I think queer history is important to the queer present but I'm just a little tired of this whole "interweaving" bit that's going on. "Are sex workers transgender because they challenge normative cisgender society?" No. There are transgender sex workers but they are transgender AND sex workers. Cisgender sex workers ARE NOT TRANSGENDER. And they're not even all a part of trans history. There are cisgender sex workers, drag queens, etc. that are a part of trans history, but you can't say any challenge to gender norms is transgenderism or trans history. Gender nonconformity is dope as fuck, I've been talking to a gender nonconforming cis guy right now who performs in a metal band wearing a little black dress and lipstick, but he's not trans, or trans history. He's dope as fuck but conflating GNC and trans histories kind of makes being trans out to be only that.

Personally, I think I'm a trans faggot in a new unique way that no one has ever trans faggoted before. I think I have fun with it in a wacky new way, but a different fun than any other trans person has or had with it before. We share similar struggles but even those are different: I'm overweight, but not considered "fat," usually just unattractive, and that intersects with everything else. Every individual thing about my body, my loves, my attitudes, my fears makes me a transfag that, while connected with trans history, has no "geneology" with any of you. I think perhaps in a bid to get away from "blood" family, we have rebuilt familial structures in our friend groups and in our history, but I don't know, maybe we shouldn't?

I don't know. I won't ask for y'alls opinion, because I don't want it, but I stayed silent on it in class because the thought wasn't fully formed. And still kind of isn't. Maybe I'm just burnt out on queer... semantics. Queer history philosophy. I love queer people, I love queer action. That's what I look at queer history for.

I'm in my Crimonology class right now but decided to update here rather than pay attention. This is really my class I feel the most comfortable in- I mean, I've watched all of Law & Order SVU so what else is there to learn? (This is a joke.) ...

I was a minute late to class because I was talking with a guy from my class beforehand who is in a band, and has seemed to take an interest in me! He said he'd DM me about a house show he's playing at and I'm def gonna use that as an excuse to chat with him more. He doesn't know much about psychological theory and seemed really interested in what I thought about certain things, me being a psychology major. He has long hair, which more men should have. Gotta find out more about his band!

This is the second time I've had to teach myself HTML and even though it's a valuable skill it makes me groan. I also only ever get good enough at it through hours of trial and error.

I do like what I've created here though, or, well, half-created. It started off a hit of nostalgia, scrounging around in the html from my dad's old Jar Jar Binks hate site, and evolved from there.